quuzell

Well, actually principle seven was stated as:

"The ability to create healthy bonded teams of allies to reach those goals unreachable by an individual. The ability to create a primary bond with another adult, equal human being."

This relates to the Lifewriting process in so many different ways. In business, you simply cannot achieve success of any magnitude without strategic partnerships with others. In fitness, we need coaches, teammates and sources of inspiration and information. In our personal lives...well, a loving relationships demands the cooperation of at least one other person.

One of the toughest things for people to grasp is that there is a connection between who you are and who you associate with. If you want to know how far you will go in life, add up the quality of your top 5 associates: you'll be right in the middle of the pack.

In relationships: look at what you are attracting, and you'll see a mirror of your perceived value in the world. If you LOVE the way these two measures reflect, give yourself a pat on the back. If you don't like it, there is work to do.

-Steve Barnes, https://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=10150308806113663

Principle #6: Postponing gratification

Specifically, the ability to postpone gratification, to move toward a worthy goal in an incremental fashion.

Human beings and insects are both programmed to move away from pain and toward pleasure. This is great for children, who have to learn not to play with knives, and to seek the source of food. But as we get older, the same pleasure-pain principle can motivate us to eat too many sweets, avoid homework, or neglect exercise.

The ability to understand that short-term pain (balancing the checkbook) or denial (controlling food intake) leads to long-term pleasure, and that short-term pleasure (smoking) can learn to long-term agony (lung cancer) is critical to the process of maturation.

The level beyond that is rather fascinating: real masters in any discipline actually find a way to take pleasure in things that most of us avoid like the plague: endless repetition, grueling work schedules, unyielding discipline. They take pleasure in accepting strain that others reject. They visualize their rivals getting up at 6am, so they get up at 5:30. They write every day, and glory in being the kind of person who can "gut it out" when the discipline is brain-twisting. They give to their families, and in their relationships, even when it hurts, taking pleasure in the fact that they can go further, and deeper, for their loved ones than anyone they know.

These people are frightening, and inspiring, to watch. I can promise you that almost every human being you have ever admired has this capacity...and you can have it as well.

-Steve Barnes, https://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=10150308202313663

Principle #5) The ability to take action despite the “noise” of internal voices, if those actions are in alignment with deeply held values and beliefs.

Excellent. Important. On DAY FORTY-EIGHT of the 101 Program, I discuss the "Piering Principles," wisdom gained from a remarkable man named Tim Piering--teacher, martial artist, family man, entrepreneur and an awake, adult human being (such a rarity). A font of wisdom who has trained deeply in dozens of different transformative technologies, he boils success down to two factors:

1) Well defined, written goals and plans for their accomplishment.

2) The ability to take action despite the voices in your head.

These voices, what author Lonnie Athens calls our "internal community" represent every teacher and authority figure we have ever known. When their voices support us in feeling powerful and acting righteously...great. When they drain our energy and trigger fear, guilt, blame, or shame...we must learn to function despite their howls.

The voices are there, whether you notice them or not. Unless you are "perfection" (unattainable!) in both physical fitness, personal relationships AND your career and financial choices, I can promise that those voices are alive and well.

What do YOU do to repress yours?

-Steve Barnes, https://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=10150300892883663

Principle #4: A knowledge of past actions (positive and negative) without that knowledge limiting future options.



The discipline of Hawaiian Huna suggests that we cling to negative emotions until we've learned the important lessons...and realize that we have. In other words, if you were bitten by a dog as a child, it is reasonable to feel fear until a deeper understanding of animal behavior, or evaluating the length of collar chains, is attained.



So fear, guilt, grief, anger...all of these emotions exist to force us to PAY ATTENTION to something that has occurred, or something in danger of occurring in the future. As long as we are asleep to our actions, thoughts and values, it is appropriate for these emotions to remain. One of the keys to releasing negativity, in other words, is to LEARN THE LESSONS.



In bad relationships, shattered economic "opportunities", injurious sports events...if you can extract the critical lessons, you can release the negative emotions, which are there only to protect you.



How can you (or any character you are writing about) re-interpret past or current events, their own capacities or those of others, to release fear, blame, guilt, or shame? What would you or a loved one have to learn, how would you have to grow to leave the pain behind and embrace both present and future?

-Steve Barnes, https://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=10150297755273663

O.K.--back to the ten principles I laid out some years ago for finding and holding success--in whatever way you define it.

#2--

2) The ability to set clear goals in alignment with the deepest values and beliefs.

This has morphed into the current model of living your life in alignment with both childhood goals and deathbed values. Our goals and daily actions are at a mid-point between these two. Needless to say, this concept demands that you:

1) Constantly work to become aware of your deepest desires and ambitions, and to go deeper, beneath the surface, to identify the real emotions motivating the dreams.



2) To study life in all its forms, become more deeply aware of the values that the elders of all communities, worldwide, embrace.



3) To find ways to align your personal goals and values with the universals. To find goals which are empowered by your deepest drives. To have both long and short term goals, broken into bite-sized chunks to be done on a daily basis.



It is impossible to quantify the number of illusions you will have to pierce on the way to this. It is daily, if not hourly work to stay awake.



Here are the applications:

1) As a writer, you have to know your own deepest values and beliefs. Most great writers express the same basic perceptions about the world and its occupants, merely changing the window dressing. This clarity will power you through blocks, discouragement, and the vicissitudes of life.



2) As a parent, spouse, or lover, you need to know your commitments in the arenas of intimacy and love. Who are you? What are you committed to living and dying for? Do not let others tell you who you are...but that is exactly what will happen if you don't define yourself.



3) As an athlete, you have to know WHY you are disciplining your mind and body on a daily basis. "Why bother? It all ends in the grave" is one of the voices in everyone's mind. It is always there. Unless you have a solid answer, THAT DEATH-VOICE WILL WIN, and you will get only a fraction of the joy in life you might have received.

-Steve Barnes, https://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=10150288102043663

I was recently reminded of a series of "commandments" I listed for becoming awake and adult in your life. As I groom the new version of the 101 Program (and thank everyone who helped me test the first one!) I thought I'd take a look at the principles that started this process of investigation.



The first principle: The ability to be blisteringly honest, but courageously compassionate.



Without honesty you will distort your reality map to fit your beliefs and shelter you from your fears. Blame circumstances outside yourself for your emotions, and cling to your childhood as if having had either a "good" or "bad" one determines who you will be today, or tomorrow.



On the other hand, many people use "honesty" as an excuse for cruelty. "That, madam, is an ugly baby" says the honest sociopath. Of course, it is very necessary to tell someone when they are deluding themselves...it is the only way to open the door to having relationships honest enough to trust that your friends and family will "call you" on your own failings. There is little more common than dysfunctional relationships where everyone lies to everyone else about what is really going on.



Very, very dangerous, if you would be awake and adult in the world.



Practical examples:

1) Writing Career: If I get a bad review, if I can't ask if there is a grain of accuracy, an honest mirror, I might miss an opportunity to grow. To not admit that I miss the mark is like a boxer believing he was cheated, rather than thinking: "Wow. I dropped my hands and he clobbered me." There is great pain in his future.



2) Relationships. I know people in dysfunctional relationships who are blind to the fact that there are others who are happy and healthy. Their definition of "healthy" is so restricted, so deep in illusion that if a couple has any problems at all, why, they're unhealthy! Which means that they are no different from broken, cheating, violent relationships. All or nothing. This kind of dishonesty destroys our ability to form a mirror for our hearts. Without that mirror, we get to totally fabricate where and who we are in the world.



3) Body. It is true that the question of "fitness" is incredibly complex. It is also true in my experience that those who use this complexity as an excuse for lack of fitness are NOT regularly BOTH exercising and managing their caloric input. They do one or the other, and then complain that neither works. It is sad to watch. A person who says, honestly that they aren't ready to lose the weight yet, has his eyes open. The person who (as I've actually seen) eats ice cream on their waffles for breakfast and then complains that his body breaks the laws of physics is masking their fear, and the weight of that mask will crush them.



To compassionately understand that we are flawed as human beings, and look at our shortfalls without guilt, blame, or shame requires serious personal power, more than most people believe that they have.



You DO have that power. And your first step toward claiming it is to admit you are fed up with your life as it is. Until you can own that reality, you will run in circles, mice chasing cheese that left the maze long, long ago.



You deserve better.

-Steve Barnes, https://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=10150283511538663

"Remember, you are someone or something else besides depressed."



Over on the 101 Board, a lady describing herself as clinically depressed offered an excellent piece of advice to someone else suffering the same malady--to seek not to identify with the problem. That depression is something you are experiencing, not something that you are. Because clinical or bipolar depression has medical, psychological and emotional aspects, it clearly requires a multiphasic approach: diet, medication, emotional support, therapy, spiritual guidance...some combination of these things designed by a compassionate wellness team.



I concentrate on measurable external qualities (fitness, success, relationships, clarity) because the most important aspects of life are almost totally subjective and beyond measurement...but there are measurable aspects that influence them strongly.



The successful person associates with their past successes and images of future achievement. The unsuccessful person associates with past failures and wrongs, and images of future pain. Simply (and there is a huge difference between "simple" and "easy") focusing on different things will trigger different resources and open the door to different results.



You are something other than depression...or anger, grief, regret, pain, or fear. To experience them is one thing. We all experience negative emotions. But to allow them to define you is a mistake, one that can cost you the joy and passion you deserve in life.



Be sure to:

1) Rewrite your goals every day

2) Take five sixty-second "breathing breaks" every day to break the spiral of stress. One every three hours is just about perfect.


-Steve Barnes, https://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=10150289238298663

When I was working at the Moonview Sanctuary in Santa Monica, I had the chance to play with some of the most successful, wealthy, and powerful people in the world. It was an incredible honor, but I was forced to "up" my game considerably--there was no room for error at all when you deal with people used to getting results NOW, with access to the most talented and effective facilitators on the planet.

Experimenting, I developed a cluster of effective techniques I would routinely use with them.

1) Stress relief through the Flow State Performance Spiral, and the "Be Breathed" exercise.

2) The Five Tibetans

3) The Hero's Journey

4) Heartbeat Meditation

The first three I used for most of the time I was there. But the last year or so, I began to use something a little different in addition.

5) A pure "white light" meditation. Once the client had visualized the maximum light he could generate, I led them to condensing that light down to a child form. It works this way: you visualize the largest younger "you" you can create with whatever amount of light you can find. Most people could create someone about nine years old. A few could manage only an embryo, or a single cell. These were the most damaged cases. I would have them speak to these "younger selves" and often, what those "selves" conveyed was a reminder of the goals and dreams they had had early in life. Fascinating. I remembered Harlan Ellison's definition of success: "to bring into existence, in adult terms, your childhood dreams."

6) The next piece, the last innovation I devised at Moonview was to take them in the opposite direction, to their oldest self. Their "elder", their "deathbed" self. And have that Elder give them advice. This often was very similar to the "deathbed values," the things people most often find of real significance at the end of their lives. These usually revolve around intimacy, self-expression, contribution, honesty, love, and personal integrity.

Now then...the trickiest and best thing that I may have done in the entire time I worked at Moonview followed. I combined these with Tad James' "Time Line" concept, and had them visualize a line of light connecting their oldest and youngest selves. To see themselves on a journey between the cradle and the grave. The trick, I said, was to have both their youngest and oldest selves approve of the actions they take, their associations, and their goals.

It was unbelievably powerful. Powerful men and women were uplifted, or broke down and sobbed that they had betrayed their childhood dreams, or were on a path that would lead to deathbed misery. I was shocked at the quality and quantity of high-level advice, both spiritual and practical, that they generated, at an unprecedented flow-rate.

It made me want to add a second statement to Harlan's, one viewed from the other end of the equation: "Success means to live your life, in worldly terms, by the values you will hold on your death bed."

It seems to me that these to can be, should be, MUST be combined to create an awakened adult human being. I would like comments back from readers--can you see a flaw in this reasoning? Because unless I am convinced there is, I have just defined the next course I must create, and the future of my teaching.

Once these twin strands are combined, all else is merely perspective, or means to this worthy end.

-Steve Barnes, http://darkush.blogspot.com/2011/07/cradle-to-grave.html

Those of you who have been following me on Facebook, my blog or through emails know that due to an emergency in Tananarive's family, we've had to relocate from California to Atlanta, Georgia. Let's just say that's the last thing I expected to happen to me, shifting away from my family, friends, business connections, and the life I've grown quite comfortable with.

In short, I didn't want to go. Just being married to someone who needed to be In Georgia wouldn't have been enough to force me to move. A bi-coastal relationship would have been preferable on several counts. But there was another consideration: our son Jason. By my values, Jason needs two parents. I am one of them. That pretty much ends the discussion. I have choice, but I made that choice BEFORE we adopted my son. It was a sacred commitment to be there for him, to give him what my father did not give me, to be certain that he could stand on my shoulders, rather than in the hole I've been shoveling frantically to fill most of my life.

Can't back down from an obligation like that. And that has been the first foundational position. "I" made this decision. It was and is in alignment with my deepest values. How do I know? A simple test:

1) Does my youngest self agree with this? In other words, does it match with my childhood dreams and aspirations? Can I find a way to wiggle it in to what I needed and wanted as a boy? Absolutely. I wanted a father, someone to love and nurture and support me. There was no male figure. No father, no step-father, no uncles nearby. No older brothers. Wasn't athletic enough to attract coaches. All my teachers were women. Nothing, and the lack was achingly deep. I remember when my mother (briefly) dated a guy, and I was about six or seven at the time. He was sitting on the couch, and I was on a seat behind the couch, curled up like a little kitten, my heart aching. Wouldn't he reach back and tousle my hair? Tell me I was strong and smart? Play catch with me?

I remember crying myself to sleep. Was I so ugly, so stupid, so...defective somehow that no one wanted to be my daddy?

I will burn in hell before I put a child of mine through that pain. To serve Jason, to love and nurture him, is a gift to the boy I was.

Well, that's settled. That boy wanted a father, and didn't have one, but I could and did grow up to be the father he wanted and needed. You have two chances to experience the bond of parent to child: one when you are a child, and again when you are a parent. I'll take what I can get.

Then there is the second aspect:

2) Does my oldest self agree with this? When I see myself on my death bed, tubes up my nose and the doctors making long faces, what does that ancient me think of my life? I watched my mother and father die. Mom didn't die well: she was filled with fear and regret. My father died well. While he had made mistakes in life, he had come to terms with them. He and I had forgiven each other, loved each other. And his ravaged image sits on my left shoulder, reminding me that life is a river that flows in a single direction: you don't really get do-overs. Be cautious.

To be on one's deathbed with conscious awareness of the curtain's descent is to step beyond ego and illusion. All striving is passed. The fear and pain can grow so severe that one is forced to do what the wise do far earlier: to cease identifying with the "me" or the body. My father said to my wise-fool (and I mean that in the very best and most appreciative way) Uncle Carver: "Carver, I have cancer."

"No," Carver replied. "Your body has cancer."

And that reply set my father free. He got the joke, in a way that those who have hope and ambition and clever egos can't understand.

To "Die before you die" is a Sufi expression for which I have great respect. It is a clue to the nature of that state called "Enlightenment." What is important to people in that state? It is not work, that's for sure. Not fame, or money, or fun toys like that. When death comes to the aware, it seems to have a purifying effect - illusion, doubt, fear, and ego burned away, and what remains are those values actually closest to the heart.

What does that elder say? To love my family. To live my deepest values. To take every step, every breath, as a gift to the world and to the divine and therefore to one's truest self.

My father's cancer-ravaged image, always with me, reminds me to tell the people I love that I love them EVERY DAY. To dance every day. To learn every day. To contribute every day. To live in the constant awareness that the curtain is descending. Play my part with full awareness, total joy, and take a freakin' bow. Enjoy the light, while it lasts.

And that older Steve knows that one of my father's greatest regrets in life was not being there for me. Well, then...that kinda settles that, doesn't it? Yeah. To live one's life is great, but to smooth the way for the next generation is the only way you can honor your teachers and mentors. It is the flow of life itself. The final step of the Hero's Journey that allows you to move on to the next level. The Student Becomes the Teacher. Then, of course, the Teacher becomes the Student once again. Ah...yes. I can "get" that. Feel it. Have lived it. There is truth there.

Now, then, the following is important: I have nothing more important to say than this.

Where the youngest you, and the oldest you, agree on the path...that is the road to walk. The youngest is your passion and hope and ambition and desire. The oldest is your wisdom, clarity and egoless grasp of reality. Do a Venn diagram. Where they overlap, where they agree...that is your path.

Do all you can to align them. Harlan Ellison said: "Success is to bring into existence, in adult terms, your childhood dreams." I love that.

And I have heard wisdom from elders in the Sufi, Native American, East African and martial arts communities say that wisdom is to live as if advised by your own self at the moment of death.

And the path between them may be hard...but while walking that path for a while I held my daughter Nicki's soft warm hand. And there was nothing more worthwhile I have ever done.

Jason's hand is as soft, and warm. He is mine to shepherd for just a little while.

Whenever I wonder what I should do, how I should be, what values I should hold dearest, to what I should exert my considerable energies, I ask myself a question: "how long will I be dead?"

Armed with that, I make my choice. Jason. That means I also choose his mother, Tananarive. That means that although this is not the life "me" wanted, it is the life "I" chose.

The rest is just details.

I have my footing.

-Steve Barnes, http://darkush.blogspot.com/2011/04/finding-my-footing.html

If you were judged by your actions more than your words and your words more than your intents or feelings...how would you look?

-Steve Barnes, http://darkush.blogspot.com/2011/03/if-you-were-judged-by-your-actions-more.html